I grew up with a fear of dying because of the untimely deaths of my grandparents. I remember being anxious about dying from a young age and even suffering from terrible nightmares when I was six. I wanted to depend on God for my freedom, but I could not relate to or trust Him. Because of the uncertainties I faced, I set out to create a perfect “safe house” where I could live, work, and ultimately raise a family in peace and security. However, once I became a wife and mother I found it increasingly stressful to keep my loved ones safe.
I have three adventurous little boys and I felt increasingly out of control when faced with the unpredictability of life.
I started to isolate myself more and more, walled in by my unrealistic expectations of myself and my fear of exposing my vulnerabilites to the harsh judgment of others. I started experiencing dizziness, brain fog, and feelings of blacking out.
I went for several tests with different specialists, but no one could pin-point a particular cause for my symptoms. I felt like the woman with the issue of blood in the Bible who spent all her money on sourcing for different cures, yet seeing nothing work.
My anxiety increased to the point that I was paralyzed with fear. And so, three and a half years ago, I was admitted to a hospital for non-stop panic attacks that lasted almost a week. It was a pit so deep and dark that I struggle to find words to adequately describe it. I felt like I had been buried alive in hell, completely disconnected from God, myself, and others.
The doctors put me on three different tranquilizers, and as I lay there in the darkness with my own fearful thinking, I had to make a choice to believe my fears or to put my faith in God. It was life or death and I could not go on by myself anymore. I realized on the hospital bed that I had to choose to believe that God is not the source of my troubles, but my solution.
By God’s grace, I held on to that single truth and as I did, God began to reveal other truths to me. He brought a counselor into my life who preached God’s grace.
It sounded too good tobe true, yet I was desperate enough to believe! Then, my husband happened to have lunch with someone in his office and this man’s wife passed Joseph Prince’s DVD to me via my husband. I watched it and the truth of what was preached resonated deeply in my soul. From then on, I went online and downloaded more MP3s and have been listening to them nearly every day these past three years.
As I embraced my Father’s powerful love that He had made available to me in Christ, my heart was transformed and began to blossom and thrive.
It has been three years since my hospital visit and God has progressively restored all that the locusts have eaten. I have been healed to the point that I no longer require anti-depressant medication (I have not taken any for the past six months now).
Instead, I live enjoying an intimacy with God, my family, and friends that I could never have imagined before.
Counseling and medication have helped me in the past, but they were useful to the extent that they helped me get my eyes off my circumstances and back onto Jesus, who comes into all the dark areas of my life to be with me, to befriend me, and warm me with His presence. He shows me the love of God and restores my hope for the future!
I thank God for the ministry of Joseph Prince in revealing the truth of who God is to people desperate for intimacy with their Daddy God, and for fearlessly preaching the good news of the gospel of grace! God bless you.
The writer has requested to remain anonymous | South Africa